Breaking Free from the Comparison Cycle
by Nanci Bradley
What is right for you in this moment is not always right for everyone.
This is an idea I have been contemplating lately, the many different ways that people can progress. The way that progress is never truly a straight line from A to B, but a journey that meanders and looks totally different for everyone, even if they are moving from the same A to the same B.
We can often look outside of ourselves to determine whether we are on the right track. Whether we are moving as fast as everyone else, or in the same direction as everyone else, as a way of determining whether we are truly successful.
It is very natural to compare, after all life usually doesn’t have inherent goal posts to judge our progress by, there are only the examples of others.
But we also don’t want to fall so far into comparison that we forget that every person’s journey is different. When we forget this fact, we forget that comparing our journey to anyone else’s will always show some ways we are ‘further along’ and others in which we are ‘falling behind’.
So how can we find the balance – allowing us to feel that we are progressing, giving us a sense of purpose, but without falling into a pattern of self-criticism that stifles growth rather than encouraging it.
The Self-Criticism Trap
The pattern many of us fall into at some point during our life, is solely noticing the ways that others are better than us, without putting it into context.
If I look at most people, I can usually find something that they are more advanced in. This is a natural part of life, as everyone has different priorities that they place their energy towards.
For example, I can find people who are more spiritually advanced, both online and in-person, I can find people who have a better sense of fashion just walking down the street, I can find people with positive romantic relationships, or friendships that seem closer than mine, or a more advanced career.
But if I don’t put that in context of the wider picture, that can quickly become an exercise in self pity. Spiralling in thoughts about how behind I am in so many areas of life.
Falling into the trap of judging myself as a failure.
The Context
The first step that I take when I begin noticing myself falling into that pattern, is to give others context, whether this context is true or not doesn’t really matter.
For example, the more spiritually advanced people may have spent more time dedicated to their practice, or simply have a purpose that differs from mine. The person with the romantic relationship or the close friendships may simply be prioritising their social life at the moment, rather than the other areas of their life.
All of these different people are on their own journey – it is not better or worse than your own, it is simply different.
By placing people in a wider context, I allow myself to realise that I am more than these comparisons too.
Perhaps I lack consistent, close relationships and friendships, but I have dedicated much more of my energy towards learning to be comfortable alone, so it makes sense that I may have neglected my relationships.
Perhaps I am not as spiritually advanced as I would like, but I am only at the beginning of my journey, so I need to remember not to be so harsh on my progress and allow myself to grow at my own pace.
Perhaps my career is not at the stage I want it to be yet, but I am dedicating my time and energy towards creating a career I am passionate about, which is important to me but may take more time to grow.
What can I learn from this?
There are two key takeaways from this internal process.
The first is reflection on my goals. Are the comparisons I am making things I am passionate about, should I be dedicating more energy to any of these areas?
This allows me to offer myself compassion about my current life stage, while also setting up the processes that I want to grow into over time.
The second is the realization that the only true comparison we can make is to our past self. Have I grown from who I was a week, month, year ago?
If I have, I can celebrate the wins I have had, notice how exactly I have improved. Perhaps, I am more confident speaking to others, or I have more clients than ever before, or my meditations are improving everyday.
But if not, then what do I need to change to empower my growth? Why isn’t my current routine and habits working for me? Do I need to change my goals to better align with who I am now?
Noticing how you may have diverged from your planned path, can be just as important as celebrating your wins. Perhaps my daily routine contains no real opportunities to meet new people – if that is the case, how can I expect close friendships or relationships to come into my life? What do I need to change to give this goal what it needs to come to fruition?
Conclusion
Comparing ourselves to others may be a natural process, but it can be shifted over time into an empowering exercise to celebrate the ways you have grown and changed, as well as noticing where you might want to direct your energy in the future to continue your journey.
You might not be moving directly from A to B, but remember to trust in yourself and your ability to get to where you want to be.
Be gentle with yourself today!
Begin your journey today!
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